Secret Santa, Bite Me

Last night I went to check my email and found that someone had sent me a gift subscription to eharmony. I'm assuming that this is the same "friend" that signed me up for match.com, and if I ever find out who this person is, they might meet a violent end.

However, I decided to complete the questionnaire to see if my personality is anywhere near as snarky as I've been told, you know, since I didn't have a date that night or anything. I answered all 8 million questions as honestly as I could using that scale of 1-5 and read my profile. It was actually pretty much on the money.

Feeling like that might be a sign, I did a search for compatible males. Since I have fantasies of getting out of the US, I included Europe & Canada in the search and hit the button. I waited, and waited, and the screen finally came up.

Guess how many matches I got? Yes, that's it folks, ZERO. -- I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the fact that I seem to be so "unique" that there is no one on three continents with a compatible personality.

Oh well, I'm OK with that. I can be the crazy lady with lots of little dogs that will be found dead a month after the fact.


Blind Date Goes Horribly, Horribly Wrong

So it's been months since I have been willing to date. Months I tell you.

But a friend of mine talked this one guy up so much (starting with, "He's gorgeous," not, "He's really nice.") & I finally acquiesced. We are talking about a guy who is handsome and successful, so I thought for sure that it would be a slam dunk.

Note: Some people emailed me to bitch about this last statement, saying I'm incredibly superficial. Well, that's only somewhat true. By successful, I meant "owns his own business, therefore must have a brain or two" NOT "potential sugar daddy." Just wanted to clear that up.

We met for a cocktail. He was gorgeous. Had his own business. Perfect, right? No. He's dumber than a stump. Conversation was nearly impossible. I seriously considered throwing myself into traffic to get out of this horrid date.

If I ever talk about going on a blind date before it happens, talk me down, I beg you.

Why is it so hard to find someone to make you laugh?


12 Step Program for Fark?

I think that I need one, I really do. I keep the browser open all day and when I get a moment, what's the first thing I do? I check fark, to see what's in the news, to see what sort of snark is being flung about.

I admit it, I have a problem and I need help. Are there meetings somewhere?

You Would Think

That the reason I haven't posted in a while is due to the fact that I am so super fabulously busy & just don't have time. But, upon reading my brilliant post about my battle with mucus, you would quickly realize that is NOT the case.

Well, I am busy. I took at second job to supplement my income (once again, thank you college), so that takes up most of my waking time now. Wake up, go to work, leave work, go to work. It's all about the glamor baby, it's all about the glamor.

Spending my days in a stress-filled office then heading to a place where I have to wear a uniform and say things like, "My pleasure!" has really done a number on my mental self-image. It wasn't that great to begin with, but now I'm really confused.

Tonight I'm working late at the office, so I couldn't go to the other place. Although I'm losing major amounts of minimum wage, I'm kind of thankful.


Epic Battle with Mucus

It all began innocently enough. I’ve been working insane hours for the past couple of months and in an effort to make up for this, I volunteered to help out with the kidlet's 5th grade field trip.

Anyone who knows me will find that little tidbit amusing in and of itself. I am a parent, and my daughter is the coolest, but on the whole I am not overly fond of children (she's the first baby I ever held). This can be a problem since kids, like cats, are immediately drawn to those that dislike them. It’s amazing really; the little suckers hang on me like I’m covered in gummy bears or something.

Anyhow, a few days after the field trip from hell (it's a posting all by itself, I’m not over it enough to relive it yet); I began to feel sort of crappy. Since I had been in the middle of a ton of kids (also known as germ factories) I wasn't all that surprised that I was developing a cold. For a week I was feeling more and more miserable so I finally broke down and went to the doctor. She diagnosed a sinus infection & bronchitis, put me on antibiotics and sent me on my way with a word of caution to get some rest and take care of myself. Yeah, right – she’s never seen what my work life is like.

My body was so filled with mucus that every time I blew my nose I was completely astounded at how much was coming out. I was sneezing like mad (which is how I’m going to die, sneezing while driving, I just know it) and I just felt like shit in general. But we were in a peak at work so taking time off was not an option.

Then, one morning I woke up before my alarm and I felt, well, wonderful. The feeling was so foreign to me at this point that I almost didn’t recognize the sensation, but I welcomed it with open arms and decided to make the best of it.

I jumped into the shower, actually did my hair and makeup, put on a great outfit and my new super cool suede pumps. I looked great, felt great and was even going to be early for work!

On the way to the cube farm I always stop and get what is known in my world as the "big soda" -- I’m not much of a coffee person, so a 44oz. diet coke is my preferred method for early morning caffeine.(yes, I know I have a problem)

So I head to the convenience store, get my soda, pay and head for the door. I’m still happy, still look and feel great and am very excited about getting the caffeine into my system ASAP. – Then it happens. The sneezing fit to end all sneezing fits, right there at the door of the store. I'm right at the spot where the motion sensor goes off (you know, that obnoxious "bong bong" noise), frozen in my tracks, no control over my body whatsoever.

As I am sneezing uncontrollably I grip my soda much too hard, somehow manage to squeeze the top off and sort of jerk the cup upwards. I am now covered in diet coke, snot and spit;. so is the front door and the floor, and my new shoes. All of this in the space of about 5 seconds.

The guy behind the counter moves quickly through the crowd (well of course there was a crowd, this is ME after all), starts cleaning up the floor and then another clerk brings me a new soda. I muttered thank you, got back in my car without making eye contact with anyone and headed back home to shower and change.

The end result is that my shoes were ruined, I will never go back to that store, and I was now late for work, humiliated, feeling like shit again AND in a pissy mood. Jesus, how I love my life. 


Afterlife as Urban Legend?

You know that someone is huge when shortly after their unexpected death, urban legends begin popping up on this lovely thing we call the internet.

After reading a lovely "inspirational" email forwarded to me (and about 80 other people it looks like) from a friend of mine that is apparently very concerned about the state of my soul, I just read at snopes.com that there is now a rumor running around that Steve Irwin became "born-again" shortly before his unexpected death (read the excerpt from the email I received below, then check the whole story

Yes, we now have confirmation of Steve Irwin's decision for Christ.

I want to inform Creation Ministries International, that Steve Irwin became a born again Christian two and a half weeks ago at the Kings Church AOG Buderim, Queensland Australia, going forward publicly before the congregation to ask Christ to become his Lord and Saviour.

Many of us will now spend eternity with him. I am sure Terri is comforted as a Christian in the fact that she will be with Jesus and also Steve again for eternity. Steve declared the day before he died that he was the happiest he had ever been in his whole life.

Apparently the evangelists will do anything that they can to spread their "word" -- including little white lies about a guy who, at least with the 18 and under set that I know, was a huge hero.

Upon reading the article, it does look like he was a member of a church, but it certainly doesn't seem to be that he went through this conversion recently, certainly not days before the accident.

I'm not sure of all the facts, but it sort of stinks that this sad event seems to be being misused, even if it's well-intentioned in the minds of the people who are passing this lie along unintenionally. (how else can I use a form of the word intention?)

Personally, I don't care what anyone's religion is, at least not until they start trying to cram it down my throat. But using someone's death to further a religious belief system (no matter what the flavor), that's just gross. Almost as gross as hitting that forward button and sending items you haven't checked out to everyone in your address book...


You Know It's Bad When

I have promised the kid that I will cook tonight, pasta and salad of all things, and I'm ready to nap just from the thought. If my job involved saving lives, maybe this would be acceptable. But since it doesn't, I feel like I need to organize some sort of white collar strike. When I get the energy.